


See, I'm Smiling

by centreoftheselights



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Internet Friends, Chronic Illness, Chronically Ill Deceit Sanders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hiding Medical Issues, Hiding Weakness, Insecurity, Internalised ableism, Internet Friends, Movie Night, Museums, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, fibromyalgia, lying to friends, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:41:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21809701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centreoftheselights/pseuds/centreoftheselights
Summary: Deceit is glad to finally be meeting his Internet friends. He just doesn't want them to see how hard it is.
Relationships: Platonic DLAMP
Comments: 93
Kudos: 327





	See, I'm Smiling

Deceit is happy to finally meet everyone, of course he is. After so many years of friendship with nothing but words on a screen and voices through a microphone, being in the same place all at once for a week-long visit is a dream come true.

But it so easily has the potential to become a nightmare.

“Today I'll be showing you all the art museum!” Patton declares over breakfast. “It has all sorts of historical artefacts, and I thought Dee and Roman would really enjoy the Ancient Mythology exhibit they've got at the moment…”

Dee focuses on his breakfast, nodding every so often as Patton's words wash over him. He slept poorly – not that he'd dream of complaining, when Roman and Virgil both slept on the floor and he was graciously given Patton's spare bed.

Virgil nudges him with a knee, and Dee starts slightly.

“Don't forget your meds,” Virgil says with a smile, knocking back his own tablet with a swig of coffee.

“Oh! Good reminder!” Patton says, fumbling for his own pill bottle on the windowsill.

“… they're in my room. I'll take them when I've finished eating.”

Deceit doesn't say: it's different, for him. No-one wants to watch the process, the unending grind as he counts out the six different tablets he has to take every morning and swallows them down dry, no longer needing water after long years of practise.

He'll take them upstairs. Where his friends don't have to watch.

They know, of course, that he has fibromyalgia. That he's _sick_. But he doesn't look it – and there's a difference between knowing and seeing, isn't there?

He's waited too long for this week. He just wants to have a good time with his friends.

The last thing he needs is pity.

***

The museum is beautiful, full of grand artworks, and there's no need to move fast. Deceit leans his weight on his snake-headed cane when he needs to, and is thankful when Logan shepherds the group towards the elevator before anyone can suggest the stairs.

The mythology exhibit is on the top floor, and Deceit is starting to feel the exertion. How long has it been since he sat down properly – an hour, two? Too soon to ask for a break, but perhaps he'll find a free bench up ahead in one of the gallery rooms so he isn't dragging the others away from the exhibits –

“Dee? Earth to snake man, can anyone hear me?”

“What?” Dee snaps, the words sharpened to a point by his frustration.

Roman recoils a little.

“It doesn't matter,” he says quietly. “I simply made a comment about the minotaur motifs here…”

Ah. Yes, banter. Keep composure, don't let them see the cracks –

“You mean the minotaur that you're wrong to think can be seen sympathetically?” Dee fills in, belatedly.

“Excuse you, I think you mean the minotaur that _you_ are unjustly maligning, you foul fiend –”

Every bench in the gallery seems to be occupied already. Deceit is beginning to quietly loathe every bespectacled student and pushchair-toting mother who is occupying the space. Is this place always so busy? On his way out of the exhibit, he stumbles, his bad knee buckling underneath him for a moment. Virgil catches his arm before he can fall.

“Woah there, are you okay? C'mon, you need to sit down.”

“If you need to take a break, we would be happy to –”

“Yeah, kiddo, you're awfully pale –”

His friends all cluster around him. People are staring at them, wondering why there's so much fuss over a healthy-looking young adult. Deceit brushes them all aside, muttering something about low blood sugar.

“Well, if you're sure…” Patton bites his lip. “Why don't we go grab lunch? We're nice and early, we'll beat the rush.”

That gets him out of standing for a while, and the food does help, clearing some of the fuzz from his head. But Patton is giving him side-along glances, lowering his voice to ask “are you sure you're feeling better?” and –

Well. Food can only do so much. When Logan's eyes light up at the sign for the gem room, Deceit feigns disinterest, but Patton insists on staying with him: “I've seen it before, you three go ahead –”

They sit and wait together, talking about nothing in particular, but Deceit can't ignore the fine threads of tension hanging in the air between them.

“You know,” Patton says vaguely, “if Virgil was upset by the museum, we'd all be fine to go somewhere else. No-one would get mad at him if he needed to leave.”

“But fortunately, Virgil is having a great time.” Deceit's lips curl into a smile. “You put a lot of thought into choosing an activity we can all enjoy.”

Patton frowns, and Deceit knows what's going unsaid, what he's pretending not to hear. _Why is it different if it's you?_ Patton is asking. _If things are bad here, why don't you just say so?_

But Patton doesn't understand. It isn't the museum – there isn't another place they could have gone that wouldn't have this effect. No matter what they do together, Deceit is going to be in pain. The only question is how well he hides it.

His friends are too kind, too good and thoughtful and happy, to deserve the suffering inflicted by that knowledge. He'll have to try harder.

***

By the time they finally return to Patton's house, Deceit has used every last bit of energy he had. They didn't even stay out particularly late, and he has a sinking feeling that Patton cancelled dinner reservations to allow him to return here sooner.

As soon as he sits down, the weight of the day hits him all at once. Every limb feels as though it is weighted with lead, the pain in his knee flaring from a dull throb into a burning ache. He knows he needs to return to the living room with the others, but he can't seem to grasp that thought, slipping quickly into unconsciousness. When Logan comes to wake him later, he tries to pass it off as an intentional nap, despite the fact that his hat is still on his head.

He can barely stay awake that evening to eat pizza and watch the others play video games. Warmth and laughter surrounds him on all sides, but he can't seem to shake the cold emptiness at the core of him.

And of course, as always, the next morning is the worst of it.

He aches all over, head to toe, so bad he can hardly move. He tells Patton that he's sick, insists that the others go out without him to whatever activity their host has planned – something he's sure they'll all enjoy much more today, without him there slowing them down.

Deceit piles his bed with blankets in an empty house, and tries to think about anything but the pain.

And then –

Then they come back.

He hears the sound of the key in the lock, low voices whispering in the hall – then Virgil, a little louder: “Princey, I swear to God if you wake him up –”

Then Patton is in the doorway. Wearing… a cat onesie?

“He's already awake!” he reports back to the others. “Dee, you're welcome to keep resting as long as you need, of course. But if you feel up to it, we have a surprise for you downstairs?”

Deceit stumbles after him into the living room, to find a half-completed blanket nest under construction, a large heap of snacks piled on the floor, and all four of his friends wearing onesies.

“We got you a snake one!” Patton says, holding out the packet to him. “Like your profile pic, you know?”

“And popcorn. Salted, because you're an absolute monster,” Roman adds.

“To go with my playlist of Gothic movies,” Virgil says with a smug smile.

“And you have mentioned before that when experiencing a flare-up, your preferred remedies include chamomile tea, heat pads and painkillers…” Logan holds up a bag with a pharmacy logo on the side.

Deceit stares at them all.

“What… why…?” he shakes his head, trying to understand through a cotton-wool haze. “Why… do all this? I told you to go out and have fun, whatever Pat had planned –”

“The primary purpose of travelling here was to partake in one another's company,” Logan says.

“What the nerd means is that we'd rather sit inside with you than go on the grandest adventure in the universe!”

“And you're an idiot if you think otherwise,” Virgil says. “But, I mean, we kept Roman, so –”

“Hey!”

Patton smiles, and holds out a hand.

“You're our friend, Deceit. And that means we care more about you feeling good than about any silly old schedule. So… let us take care of you?”

“… okay.”

Deceit takes his hand, and lets himself be led into the blanket nest.

“Uh, so, I'll need a little more back support…”

“On it!” Virgil jumps up and goes to grab more pillows, which turns into throwing them at Roman, which turns into a pillow fight while Deceit calls commentary from the sidelines and Patton giggles so hard he nearly falls over and Logan walks into it and nearly gets his glasses knocked off and –

Yeah. Maybe this isn't so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> This author replies to comments.


End file.
